Scotsport SPL – 6,963 Cats Don't Prefer It

Scotsport SPL continues to be a televisual talking point amongst football fans from North Berwick to Brora and this season it's back, maybe not so loud (Sara O seems to have learned that in your face FM delivery works on Scottish commercial radio but not on the telly in your living room) but certainly proud, it is the defiant Rangers fan of Scottish Sports broadcasting "No one like us, we don't care."

While it is partly counterbalanced by the cosy Sunday morning Scotsport FIRST, probably the only show that gives a damn about life outside the SPL on ANY TV station these days, STV blow away their good work on a Monday night with their continued mix and match of Soccer AM (or at least a 2nd division version of it) and traditional Scottish football TV fare with the McNees and the MacPhersons pontificating on all things mostly Glasgow as they have done it seems since time began.

Ex-Celt Andy Walker plays the Pat Nevin/Alan Hansen role very much as a local radio DJ tries to sound like someone from Radio 1 but you can't really dislike former Ranger Arthur Numan (got to get that Old Firm balance) despite the banality of his contribution. Quirky journo Graeme Spiers seems to be missing from the frame this term however so far, maybe he's still embarrassed by his appearance as the son Elton John never had on an edition last season when his keyboard skills were put to use as a lack lustre comedy assist. He deserved better.

Delahunt is a worthy successor to Crampsey, Montford and White and carries on the best traditions of safe pair of hands as anchorman but Julian Sinclair (Cameron Stout from Big Brother's brother) will never make an Orkney accent cool no matter how hard he tries, at least not in the central belt. Clyde DJ Sara O is the 'eye candy' but as someone once wrote in an internet forum about the show if this is the beautiful game where are the beautiful people?

Her role seems to be reduced now to the one Emma Noble had on the Price is Right as she tries to make two tickets to an English game lookattractive on a programme that is supposed to be about SCOTTISH football. You won't see Lineker offering a day out at Easter Road or Ibrox on Match of the Day, so why do we feel the need to make our Scottish football output on telly just that bit more big time by jumping on the Premiership bandwagon?

Oh, and by the way, BBC Scotland, NOBODY cares about Middlesbrough, Everton, Fulham etc up here so stop giving English games equal billing with the local stuff on Sportscene results.

Back to the side with the adverts and ace fitba' satirist Johnny Watson must have thought his Christmas and Birthday had come all at once when Scotsport SPL took to the air. You really couldn't make it up, Sara tries to smoulder but then we cut back to Jim and Archie with the self important Mr MacPherson displaying that ultimate turn-off, skin between the top of the sock and the bottom of the trouser leg.

Julian tries to be the cheeky Loaded/Nuts/Zoo lad sampling Killie pies and seeing how far a selection of SPL players can shy the ball but his couthy humour would make the 'Scotland the what' team cringe. Then it's back to Jim with that look of "we know it's pish but it's a living."

The STV tie in with Setanta means there will always be highlights for the commercial channel. The Irish satellite broadcaster, who surprisingly pipped the Beeb for SPL rights last year, are sharing facilities with Cowcaddens TV for their football and Rugby coverage and that means they can offload bits of weekend games to STV Monday late (presumably after they've taken the lions share which is the weekend market).

Setanta also have Rangers and Celtic TV on air as part of their satellite package, non-Old Firm fans may feel that is what they are watching on a Monday night as STV bow to all things hooped and hun while the rest are left to the musings of David McKinney.

McKinney is to Scotsport what David Jason was to Ronnie Barker in 'Open All Hours', the classic BBC series about life in a Northern corner shop, when a voiceover is required for Falkirk-Livingston or the latest happenings at Dumfries or Kirkcaldy are required on a Sunday it's "Granville (or David in this case) fetch a cloth."

Just like Granville, David dreams of breaking away. In his case, from Hamilton v Airdrie on a Sunday and token voiceover man for lesser SPL games on a Monday night but when the big European nights come round, there he is back on pitch side as big Erchie captures the glamour of the Old Firm live in the Champions League.

With the look of a plane spotter and a nasal safe delivery, McKinney is a passable and inoffensive commentator for those First Division highlights but he is no Barry Davies. He probably lacks the kind of ego that saw Archie walk from the Beeb to join Eurosport when he was not getting networked across the UK for big internationals and club matches that the Beeb showed from Scotland to the rest of Britain. David, the Daniel O'Donnel of the Scotsport SPL team, is unlikely to utter the words "c'mon Archie you've had yer shot."

Even in the Champions League however you'll find Archie labelled "TV live feed only" when the highlights package comes on after midnight on ITV, which maybe gives us a clue to how MacPherson is rated beyond Hadrians wall.

Archie is Obe wan opinion (his) in the Star Wars of Scotsport SPL and the ex-schoolteacher seems to be spouting the same guff he did when he started his broadcasting career in 1969, reviewing the Scottish football scene as an old grammar school master would review an essay.

Those who matter (the fans) have had enough it seems as the 6,963 signatures on line at http//www.petitiononline.com /scotspor.petition.htm testify. Yes there really is a movement to get Scotsport SPL off the air.

The programme was also denigrated in 'When Saturday Comes' last issue but it would seem the inside track at Coocaddens towers is any publicity is good publicity so expect Scotsport SPL to continue unchanged until at least the end of the season.

Ach well, at least Sara isn't shouting as much these days, scant reward though in this 50th year of ITV when local programming is heralded and held up as something to be proud of.