(Previously on Brigadoon Rovers- Brigadoon have beaten Celtic in a thrilling third round CIS cup match notable only for the revelation that Neil Lennon is an albino gorilla. Tiny dwarfish winger Mickey Finn finds himself in possession of a commercial airliner after foiling an al-queda attack on the Shyboy Excelsior and star crossed lovers.... Wait a minute. You. Yes you boy. What's so funny? Well if it's so hilarious we all want to hear it. No. "Nothing sir" is it?. Pay attention boy.....Finegan Swake and Adidas Docherty are on the run in a desperate attempt to drum up a bit of publicity. Meanwhile mysterious foreign chairman Don Diego Del La Varga has been accused of match fixing. Now read on.....)
"El what?!!" yelled the Don, pausing to toss a passing goat from the window, "I have witnesses that this accusation is el nonsensico." The SPL supremo looked at him suspiciously. "Oddjob", Del La Varga turned to his Korean manservant: "Show in el hommes". Oddjob cleared his throat: "El SPL man let me introduce -Guiseppe Di McCulloch" A fat individual stepped into the room. "Bongiorno, Big Yin" He said. "Mohammed Al Fayed" said the Brigadoon chairman as the Egyptian conspiracy nut entered the boardroom. Wide eyes searching the room for secret cameras, the rotund grocer yelled: "I fugging tell you, you are all lying fuggers". The Hispanic club chief concluded the introductions: "And finally - Bruce Grobalaar and the Fashanu Brothers". A veritable mob crowded the room. "Okay" said the SPL supremo: "But I warn you, if you are found guilty you could be thrown out of the league or fined not less than", He paused and placed his pinkie against his lip: "Four hundred pounds....."
"Alroight everyone", began dwarfish humunculus Mickey Finn dressed in a pilots outfit: "Dis is de forst flight of FinnAir-the airline wid a difference" The passengers of the taxiing plane listened attentively, their sombreros and wicker donkeys for now forgotten. Mickey Finn went on: "Forst of all this is a budget airline. So no meals, drinks, peanuts, boiled sweets, flotation devices or parachutes. By the way, all the stewardesses have done time in Cornton Vale so no funny business. Secondly this is a no ticket airline so first come first served even if we are flying from Glasgow." Seven hundred happy faces smiled at him, some perched in lockers, others on each others shoulders. The pre-flight announcement concluded with Finn saying: "And turdly, no clapping when de feckin plane lands. And absolutely no tipping for the feckin driver. Understand? Have an enjoyable flight.
In the third row, undetected, sat Finegan Swake and young Adidas Docherty. "Oh, Adidas", said Swake, unrecogniseable in a pair of black rimmed glasses, a moustache, a plastic cigar and false nose: "At last we are free. Do you love me as I love you?" "Honk" replied Adidas, parping a bicycle horn.
The Brigadoon team had gathered at their purpose built training facility - Brigadoon Recreation Grun - to listen to the draw for the next round of the CIS cup. "Okay boys", began club gaffer Alex Docherty: "No matter who we get we should be proud of being there at all. It's an achievement for a club our size to be in with the chance of getting one of the big boys. Or even Partick Thistle". Brigadoon's half Scots/Native American, Hawkeye the Noo interrupted: "Boss, draw come heap soon. Me turn on tranny?" Big June edged warily away from the Indian brave. "Go ahead Hawkeye" replied Docherty "But watch the batteries. I need them for my Rampant Rabbit later"
The familiar tones of BBC Scotland's Alistair Alexander came forth from the battered radio. "..personally I'd have given her a pearl necklace. And you join us as the draw for the fourth round of the CIS cup begins. Jack McGinn today joined by comedienne, psychologist and modern day St Peter to Billy Connolly's Jesus, Pamela Stephenson. Now over to the draw"
Wants to hear the draw
"Number 15", Began the withered ex-Celtic ruiner: "Civil Service Strollers will play Number..Pamela?" Pamella smiled sickly sweetly at the grizzled official: "Thank you Jack. As Billy always says in these situations, Bums. Willies. Jobbies. And isn't it great to be loaded. And that Judi Dench - what a great lady - brillliant". The reptilian destroyer of institutions replied coldly: "Thanks Pamela. And now the draw if you don't mind". Flustered for a second by being brought back to the real world Pamela panice and said: "Of course. You know, Billy has a great gift. He can cure the sick, raise the dead and say the word willie more times in a sentence than anyone in the world. Oh sorry. Number 23 - Heart of Midlothian"
"Aw fur feck sake," said ned bam midfielder Wullie McScum: "This bitch is the feckin comedy Yoko Ono. Gaunnae get on with it ya zoomer".
Jack McGinn continued: "...And number twenty six - Glasgow Rangers will play..." McGinn looked towards Pamela, daring her to go off at a tangent. "Billy was horribly abused as a child. As a boy in the shanty town reservations of Partick his auntie used to literally beat him to death. Surrounded by trash, scum and halfwits he couldn't wait to break free and bunk up with a wooly headed pretentious twat
like me. Oh yes, the draw", she turned the ball in her hand: "Will play Number 4 - Brigadoon Rovers"
"Waheyyy!, Ya beauty!" The cry went up at Brigadoon Park. The rest of the team glared silently at William Orange who was dancing with delight. Orange yelled: "Great draw for the Sons of William! The diddies of diddies! As good as a bye to the next round!!" Docherty ran across to the celebrating pseudo Hun. He shouted right into Orange's face: "That's enough of that! Anyone caught posing in the Daily Record in a Gers top or being referred to as "Gers Daft" will never play for this club again. Understood!!"
"Wait a minute" began groin injury specialist physio Phil McCavity, "Whets wrong with Big June?" The transgendered defender was lying on the turf, legs akimbo, her/his pregnant belly plain to all. She lifted her/his head and screamed: "Quick. Bring me boiling water and towels" Andy McLaren asked: "Are you having the baby?" .
"Naw I'm dying for a cup of tea. And a shave" With that Big June began to scream as the full force of her contractions began.
Well? What will Big June's baby be like? The bastard son of a thousand maniacs? Or just what you'd expect Chic Charnley's wean to be like?
Will Finegan and Adidas carry off the Marx Brothers disguises? (in case you didn't get it. Look it took the feckin Matrix 4 feckin hours of my life to explain what was patently obvious from the first one. I can't be too careful. Some of you might be American)
Will Brigadoon emerge from Ibrox victorious. Is anything I can write about Rangers more humorous than their performance at Old Trafford?
Don't miss the next pulsating episode of......Brigadoon Rovers!!!!!!!