Kurt Hitler goose-stepped down aisle 23 of his local Branch of B&Q. "Hmmmm. Vill I use ze fine sandpaper or ze coarse for my home decorating task?" He thought to himself. A ghostly voice echoed in Hitler's ear: "Use the coarse, Kurt, Use the coarse". The former Aryan
supremacist swore:"Acchhh Gott im Himmell! Dammn that Richard Littlejohn and his scheisse Star Wars puns. He really is a Phantom menace" The spooky repressed fudgepacker was hovering by the adhesives section when he said: "That's correct Kurt, I have a little job for you." The ubermensch's shoulders slumped and he rolled his eyes before he said: "Don't tell me - Destroy Ze Alex Docherty -Again" The apparition took a final sniff of the WD40 and said: "Not this time my mass murdering friend. Tomorrow Brigadoon Rovers Rovers will unveil their new artificial playing surface made entirely from hemp. Halfway through their game against Inverness Caley you will do the following..."
"Vot - pardon - I can't hear you -vot vill I do?" Kurt spluttered cupping his ear. Littlejohn sighed: "It's a dramatic fade out you idiot!"
"YOU MURDERING SCM! YOU'RE GOING TO THE CHAIR!" The police tinny tannoy sounded loudly in the quiet suburban street where Phil McCavity lived with his "friend". McCavity stood, erect, in front of the dead body, a bloody ten inch phallus in his hand. A large dildo in the other."Oh God!" He lisped: "What have I done. I need to get rid of it before it goes all purple and stiff " A muffled groan was heard. McCavity knelt over the body and pulled down the bandana that disguised the Gypsy thief's face. McCavity stammered: "W W W Wullie McScum! What are you doing here? I thought I'd killed you" The ned midfield maestro replied: "So did ah ya feckin gonk! That big d1ck of yours hud me seein stars" McCavity blushed with pride and delight. "How the feck am ah gonnae get oot oh here by the way?" The nasal voiced slum dweller asked."I don't know Wullie." Replied McCavity "But I'm coming with you. You sexy wee zoomer!"
"Yes, oh yes, oh yes!" Cried Finegan Swake in ecstasy."I'd love to go to an evening of Tibetan nose flute accompanied interpretive dance at the Tron!" Adidas brought him down to earth when she replied: "But efter that- We're shaggin an nat - No wot I mean?"
Alex Docherty woke up. In the moments it took him to become aware of his surroundings he began to take in the full horror of his situation. He lay at the bottom of a deep pit. Looking upwards he could see a naked and oiled FrankMcAvennie gazing down at him, a pitiless expression on his face."It puts the Wintergreen in the basket" He said in a flat monotone. Docherty cried shrilly: "What do you want with me Macca?!" Fab Macca screamed back in derision: "It puts the fecking wintergreen in the basket or it gets smacked" Docherty placed the embrocation in the wicker basket in front of him."It takes off it's clothes" Macca said in a flat menacing voice. Docherty scrambled to comply."When it's skin is loose enough" said the former West Ham playboy, cuddling a small dog: "I will flay it and take it's place. Old Frankie Macca WILL go into management! Won't I Darlingheart?" The YorkshireTerrier yapped in agreement."Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!" Screamed Docherty before merciful oblivion overwhelmed him again.
played on Scotland's first 100% hemp pitch" "Bluuueerrrrgh" Big June vomited noisily on thedressing room floor."Big June heap sick" Said Hawkeye "Him/Heralright?" The transgendered defender replied:"Not really. I think I might be... I think I might be PREGNANT....."
"That's all we need", sighed the veteran fascist follower: "We have to find Alex Docherty. And I'mgoing to use all of my hunting skills to do it. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS!"
Will Wullie and Phil evade justice whilst learning the true meaning of male bonding? Will Frank Maccavenie succeed in his dastardly scheme? Will we learn whothe father of Big Junes baby is? Will Mickey Finn's much delayed transfer go ahead?
Find out in : Brigadoon Rovers XIV- Is That The Time Already?