(following an emergency operation Brigadoon's tough talking boss, Alex Docherty, regained the use of his vocal chords allowing him full speech and allowing me to stop typing in caps. His team of misfits has been assembled at short notice and all excuses ignored. They face the plucky challengers of Pluck City Amateurs in the opening stages of the Inter-Pluck cup. Now read on....)
"Feckin 5-0 ya useless shower of ****in ****s!!". Docherty was beside himself. "Their goalkeepers at a ****in adult training centre fur fox sake!. The right back had a stroke last week! He only learned to say "cup" on Wednesday!" He sank onto a bench in despair, pausing only to smack Alan McInally over the face with a tackity bit. "Get it right in the second half or I'll kick yer ****s in"
The teams emerged for the second half with the warriors of Brigadoon looking an invigorated version of their former, sh1te, selves.
"To me on the wing, you faithless shower of trash" yelled dodgy looking Serbian nationalist Tokenski Foreignerenski " Now I'll make you regret the Dayton Peace Accord". The Arkan-fondling warlord took the ball on his instep before crossing beautifully to Big June. The ball bounced off of her/his heaving 38DD breasts before crashing into the net.
The restart saw more of the same. Tokenski employing the viscous skill which had saw him made a general in the Serbian army: Big June shaking off defenders with her vast boosum. With minutes to go the score stood at 5-5. "Right" Said Docherty on the bench, " We finish this now. Hitler! Get stripped!" With that Kurt Hitler, the stereotypical German, threw off his tracksuit. "Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuhrer - you boss - 6-5!" The panzer fancying Nazi quickly worked his magic. Beating one then two defenders, a magical cross to Wullie McScm!
The referee blew for time. It was all over. A sensational win for Brigadoon! "Hey Alex" A voice sounded at Docherty's ear. "I'm Gerry Archleckie fae the Daily Album. I can exclusively reveal that yer new neo facsist signing is in fact an escaped convict with a bomb rigged to explode ,should he score less than one goal a game, tied around Maisie McStrochan's waist!". "Wait a minute" the tough talking Weegie reject forced to find employment in some desolate hellhole beyond the ken of men replied "He didnae score in that game!"
A huge noise rang out over Mutton Park. Pieces of t1t and gammon rained down across the sweaty cheeks of the Brigadoon boys. "Die Englischer dog. Achtung! Strength through Joy! Aieeeee!!" Screamed Hitler standing happily next to Alan McInally, sippping a cup of tea. "Hold on a wee minute son" said Docherty "Ye didnae find the net but ye solved one of my problems". At that moment a huge dog ran up to the joyful team, Maisies bloody head gripped in it's jaws. "God almighty, she isanae deid" Screamed Wullie McScm. "Scooby-dooby doo" Howled the Great dane, droping the mangled features of Maisie to the ground. "Yah vuhl" Said Kurt " And she's have gotten avay vith it if it vasnt for you pesky kids" "Ha ha ha ha aha ha" said everyone. A psychedelically painted team bus stood nearby. "Okay kids" said Docherty "On to the next kooky mystery"
But far away, on the far touchline a foetus, ripped untimely from it's mothers womb, stirred. It rose in the half light forming it's first word.